Back to Ex - Yay or Nay?

S writing. It’s nice to be back :)

Reflecting on how rare I write for this blog, I admit my nickname suits me ONLY in this area.

This time, I want to share about one recent, interesting occurrence that got me thinking about many different things.

I met with my ex BF after 7 years. Oh yes, I did :)

In short, it was on my birthday that he sent me a message wishing me a happy birthday. He was asking my whereabouts (I am currently living in Bali), and it happened that he was on holiday with his family here. He asked me out and I said yes.

At first I was not so sure – should I really go and see him? I’ve heard people said that there is no use to meet our ex, it will not bring us any good, and moreover, there is a saying that people who stay friends with their ex(es) are psychopaths – google it, there are research about it. Besides, it will be soooo awkward. You know, meeting someone you once loved in a different condition can be disastrous – it may result in disagreements, relationship that has gone cold, uncomfortable feelings to see how much he/she has changed, or…

Sparking out an old love. Wait – is this a disaster?

I can’t really say the last one happened to me, although there is a possibility for it. Meeting my ex turned out to be an interesting experience. I decided to see him because I wondered – how would it feel to see him again? What would my responses be? What would be his? How much changes had happened in both of us in these 7 years? Am I still having “a thing” for him, or have I completely moved on?

Agree? Disagree?
What if the book is in series - same characters going through changes and maybe, just maybe, the chances to be together are still there?

So I decided to see him, we spent about 3 hours having dinner and talking about many things but one: romance (how we used to feel for each other, relationship(s) after our separation, or our current feelings for each other) – none of them.

I have to admit that the meeting really took a stroll down my memory lane. I was so overwhelmed by the feelings – it was pleasant (again, this is my case. It surely can end differently for other people). After that degree of separation (7 years is quite a long time, right?), I felt like we’d never been apart. Nothing from him changed that much – his caring, politeness, gentleness, the way he treated me and all. I felt like I was experiencing some kind of time warp that had taken us away from each other and now dropped us back where we always belonged. Being with him at that moment, I was home.

Yeah, I know. I am baper. Hahahaha. You can stop reading this if it makes you sick.

It’s true, though. Yes, I was that happy, I was that grateful. It was like a blast birthday gift that God arranged. Not once I thought I will be able to see him again after all these time – we both lived in different places and have no community in common, which makes this even more thrilling and surprising.

Never, not even once.

I went home, and surely you can guess what my next thought was – how would it be if I fell in love with the guy I once loved? Will the relationship work?

I shared this story to my circle and generous feedback were sent (you know who you are, awesome friends of mine <3). So, if you’re thinking about going back to your ex, hopefully these things can be a ‘pause and think’ checkpoint.

1. You Had A Great Relationship.
   If your past relationship was not a happy one, why would you even reconsider to go back?
   I think we would want our old partner back because he was – and still is – a wonderful human being. Maybe the prior relationship ended just because of a rash decision, ego and idealism that was often happened to people in younger age – the trigger was pulled too fast.
2. Make Sure Enough Time Has Passed.
   
   People get lonely, we know that – especially in a post-breakup condition. Sometimes the urge to go back to our old flame is because we want a companion. Why old flame? It is kind of a shortcut – we don’t need to adapt or put effort that much since we both know a lot about each other already.
   I was once told that time is the best healing machine. Well, it is kind of make sense for me in a way that as time pass, we change. We grow. We become a different person, a better version of us. We tried to be more mature. Same thing (hopefully) happens to our partner. Maybe, just maybe, these better versions of ourselves can lead to a new, clean slate start.

   
   

   Being separated after a while will increase objectivity

3. Reflect On The Past Failures – Are They Still Present?
   After that meeting with my ex, I opened my diary in which I wrote about the reasons why I should not be with him (I wrote that after we broke up several years ago). I took time to read it carefully. As I read, I was thinking – how about now? Am I still like that? Is he still like that? Have the problems fixed? If the problems had gone already, maybe we can opt for a restart.
   Subtle warning: do not waste your time if the problem that caused you breaking up is still there. Just don’t.
4. Talking About Vision.
   One of the things that impressed me when I saw my ex was when he asked me, “What is your vision?” – That was one thing that we never talked about during our relationship (we used to go with the flow).
   If two of you happen to want the same thing in the future, or be able to walk side by side because your visions correspondence, it sounds rekindling the relationship maybe worth the try :)
   Another subtle warning: Please be objective on this. Your future is at stake here. Don’t pretend or force yourself to do/want the same thing as him/her. Don’t let the butterflies in your stomach prevent you to see things clearly and thoroughly.
   
   

   

   Holding hands down the aisle is easy. The hard thing is to keep doing it a thousand miles afterwards.

5. Reflect On Our Own Readiness.
   “What makes me think that it’s going to be different this time? If my trust has been broken, have I forgiven it? Am I becoming a more capable partner for him/her? Am I willing to do what it takes to repair all the broken bonds?” should be the questions we ask ourselves before we decided to start all over.
6. Ask Around!
   Ask your friends, your families, about the idea of you going back together. It does reduce your subjectivity, especially when you are in baper condition. Preferably, ask friends that know both of you personally and maintain contact. If they show positive responses, maybe, it is a right decision to give the relationship another try.
7.  Pray, Pray Pray.
   This is the most important thing. “No contact period” is needed, clear our head from all scenarios running in our mind. Then pray. God knows better, He will lead us to the right partner at the right time. He provides wisdom and revelation. I can’t really define how God speaks – you just know when He does. We can practice our listening ears by constantly making prayers and reading His Words. And when He says yes, it will be perfect. When He says no, it means He is protecting us from something less than His best.
   
   

Pray as you wait

*) Note: please notice that I put a lot of maybes – this kind of thing is personal and can affect differently to different people. Please do not use this as a guideline :)

Well, I personally believe in second chances – people make mistakes and surely we want to work things out. But, just like the serenity prayer says: we should be courageous to change the things we can change, but we also need to willingly accept things we cannot change.

Loving full out is always filled with the possibility of heartbreak. Yet, loving guardedly and fearfully is never the answer. Many people who return to old relationship are not just looking for a lost love. Sometimes they are really looking for the part of them who, at one time in their lives, willing to risk the loss for the joy of true connection. (Coming Home – When Old Loves Rekindle by Randi Gunther, Ph.D).

The end! Thanks for reading! Will be glad to have you share your opinion and experiences :)

- Irena the Sloth.
And pardon me for my still-developing English.

P.S. to my ex, should this article reach out to you.

Thank you for making my birthday this year so memorable. It is always a pleasant feeling to meet an old acquaintance because I don’t need to talk too much – you understand me already. It is good to have you remembered my details – my friends, my likes and dislikes, habits and all. Just want to let you know that I appreciate your initiative to have us met; and meeting you again, I am thankful.

The caption you wrote for our photo that you posted in Instagram: “We do not meet people by accident, they are meant to cross our path for a reason” - I believe that too. I am forever grateful that you were once the most significant and important person (read: lesson) that makes me who I am now. And, to think that someone who gave me a lot of “first-time” experiences in the past can still give me many things even after he's long gone, is beautiful.

So, no other words other than thank you. See you when I see you…